I sit, looking at pictures of
vacations from years past. A mixture of emotions surge through me as
I come to a picture of my father and me during our annual summer
vacation at the beach. This particular picture brings back vivid
memories as the tears fill my eyes. I close them as the aroma of the
salty sea and hot sand brings my sense to life. That was the summer
our lives would be changed forever as the news we received a month
before this photograph was taken. Although I am able to understand
now, at the mere age of 34, the news of my father's illness did not
seem to phase me. This vacation, as it would end up being our last
together, is the only one I seem to remember. The sights, the sounds,
the feel of the hot sand on my tiny bare feet…
My father's hand swallows mine as we
walk in the hot sand. I turn around every now and then to smile and
wave to my mother while my brother and sister play in the water.
There's a slight pull from my father as he urges me to go a little
faster as I try to make my little legs, growing more and more weary
with every step that I take, go the way he wants to go along with
him. Finally we stop and my little feet sink into the soft, moist
sand as the tide plays with my toes. I laugh as my father lifts me up
onto his broad, tan shoulders. Suddenly, everything comes into view
and my senses were taken to new heights that I could never before
imagine. I turn my head from side to side, slowly absorbing my
surroundings. On my left, up high on the rocks as the water crashes
up against the points, sending a cool mist into the air that feels
refreshing from the hot sun, I see two people sitting; a boy and a
girl. The look happy and calm, I smile and laugh, not fully
understanding the emotion so expressively written on their faces. To
my right, a swarm of people, laughing as they walk along the
shoreline, some holding hands others in deep conversation, all
indulging in the environment around them. I hold onto my daddy's neck
as I throw my little head back to look into the brightly colored sky
filled with hues of pink, orange, and purple as the sun descends
below the horizon. I squeal happily as I watch the seagulls do their
dance with one another in the sky, as they search for the last meal
before nightfall. Finally, I look out ahead. I gasp a little gasp as
my eyes open wide. I am hypnotized by what I see beyond me. It's like
nothing I have ever seen before in my short existence among this
world. Glistening bodies of enormous water animals, I think my daddy
called them dolphins, fly high into the sky. As they came down from
their flying throne, the water seems to gracefully catch them as it
rises up and twinkles like diamonds in the setting sun. I smile my
eyes full of wonder and passion as my father grabs me and places me
back on the ground. His hand swallows mine once again as we start
walking along in the sand. My feet sink with every step. I look up at
the couple on the rocks again, this time I wave and smile as they
wave back.
At this point, my father had slowed
to a stop again. He reached down and warped me up in his arms. I lay
my head on his shoulder, comfortable in his warmth despite the hot
sun.
"Do you understand what is
happening to daddy, little angel?" he said to me. I can hear the
pain in his voice, and sense once more something is wrong. My young
mind, however, unable to fathom this concept as I shake my head and
look into my father's eyes. I'm taken back by what emotion I see, a
mixture of pain and frustration flows from his eyes. I take my hand,
so soft and small, and place it on his cheek.
"Don't worry daddy. Everything
will be okay." I remember saying to him. My hand jumps back
suddenly as something wet and warm hits it. My eyes grow wide as I
see the tears run silently down my father's cheek. I know something
is wrong, but my young mind is just not able to understand the extent
of the problem.
"Don't cry daddy. Everything is
going to be okay, remember? That's what you always tell Me.", I
say as I put my hands on his cheeks, wet with tears, and kiss his
forehead. He smiles weakly and puts me back down onto the sand, now
growing colder as the sun disappears behind the ocean line.
A year later, we are back at the same
spot that my daddy and I stood together. My mommy and brother and
sister are there too. Daddy isn't though. A week earlier, he had
gotten so sick that he died. Mommy can't stop crying, neither can
brother or sister. I cry too, but I don't really understand what I'm
crying for. I know my daddy was sick and now he's gone and mommy says
that he's never coming back. I asked mommy where he went and she said
that he went to be with Grammy and Poppy in heaven. I asked her if it
was close enough for me to visit, so young and naive, as mommy shook
her head, she starts to cry again and she takes me into her arms.
As we are standing on the beach, I
look onto the rocks to the spot where a year earlier I had seen that
happy couple sitting there. As I look up, I only see the girl. It
looked like she was crying as she pulls her sweater tighter around
her against the brisk wind. Suddenly, the rain begins to fall from
the dark grey sky. It's a cold rain, falling soft at first but then
harder and harder with every second. My mommy opens the jar she held
in her hand and with the next gust of wind, she tipped it and the
contents inside dipped and swirled as they danced with the wind.
"No!" I cried, my mind
suddenly realizing, though still young, what was happening, realizing
that was my daddy flying away on the wind. "Daddy! Come back!
Don't leave me!"
I start running towards the water,
arms out in the air and screaming as loud as my little lungs would
allow me to. My brother catches up with me and takes me into his
arms. Suddenly a flash of lightning fills the sky and I catch one
last glimpse of my father's ashes riding the currents of the wind. I
wriggle wildly in my brothers arms until he finally puts me down. I
take a couple of steps forward and raise my face to the sky. The rain
mixes with the salt water of my tears as it drenches my face, feeling
strangely refreshing. As another flash of lightning fills the sky, I
can feel my father's presence as if he were there.
"I love you Daddy", I
whisper softly.
I turn and walk over to my brother as
he takes my hand. We start walking up the beach; I turn
around one more time. This time I smile and wave towards the ocean. I know, although my mind is
still young and inexperienced, my father lives on around me and is looking over me from where he is
now.
